Jokes and one liners from the back row

whitbey · Post by **whitbey** » Wed Jul 03, 2019 2:00 pm

Call it the Back Row.
One liners, jokes and funny perspectives.
No politics.

How do you get two piccolos to play in tune.......Shoot one.

Ask a Conductor if they could follow the band better.

When a Conductor had a meltdown and threw his music on the floor........I asked him to tell us how he really felt.

And not limited to just music as our lives do other things too.

I am a realtor....
That roof should be good for at least another 2 weeks.

Or a comment about someone....
She is the nicest girl that ever walked the streets.

A Band promo
We suck, we blow, we bang. How many tickets do you want?

I think this would be great to share with other trombonist because I am happier than a pink unicorn on a carousel.

BarryVarie · Post by **BarryVarie** » Thu Jul 04, 2019 5:08 pm

Sounds like a good idea to me, either in the b/s/t section or a new one.

Skippy, you got that from PUX.

whitbey · Post by **whitbey** » Fri Jul 26, 2019 9:14 pm

When I was young I told my Grandma that when I grow up I wanted to play trombone. She told me I couldn’t do both.

Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy says to Dolly: "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," said Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaimed Daisy.

A man accidentally ate 6 toy plastic horses.
The doctor describes his condition as stable.

ArbanRubank · Post by **ArbanRubank** » Sat Jul 27, 2019 4:56 am

I told my wife that when I retired, I wanted to learn how to play the trombone in the worst way. She recently told me, "Mission accomplished".

JohnL · Post by **JohnL** » Sat Jul 27, 2019 8:48 am

How many conductors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
We'll never know; no one is ever watching.

Kingfan · Post by **Kingfan** » Sat Jul 27, 2019 2:53 pm

How does a lead trumpet player change a light bulb? He reaches up, grabs the bulb, and whole world revolves around him.

Why are bagpipers walking when they are playing? They are trying to get away from the noise too.

Whey are bassoons better than oboes? They burn longer.

If you see a drummer in a suit, what is the most likely next words out his mouth? "Not guilty, your honor!"

What do you call a drummer with no girlfriend? Homeless.

How can you tell who on the elementary school playground is the trombone player? The kid who can't swing or figure out the slide either.

How can you tell if the bandstand is level? The drool is coming out of both corners of the bass player's mouth.

Why don't you want a vocalist to open up the practice area for the band? They are always coming in late, and have trouble finding the key.

If two trombone players are in the back of a car, who is driving? The arresting officer.

BANDSTAND: The area furthest away from an electrical outlet.

BIG BAND: Nowadays, an aggregation consisting of two musicians.

BROADWAY PIT JOB: A prison sentence disguised as a gig.

CABARET: A venue where singers do songs from shows that closed out of town.

CARPAL TUNNEL SYNDROME: God's way of telling you that you've practiced too much.

CATERER: A man whose hatred for musicians is unrivaled.

CHANTEUSE: A singer with an accent and no time.

CLASSICAL COMPOSER: A man ahead of his time and behind in the rent.

CLUBDATER: God's way of telling you that you didn't practice enough.

CLUB DATE LEADER: Someone who changes his name from Kaminsky to Kaye.

CONTINENTAL VIOLINIST: A guy who rushes like he's trying to catch the last train to Budapest.

CONTRACTOR: A man whose funeral nobody goes to.

CRUISE SHIP WORK: A gig that gives a musician two reasons to throw up.

DJ: The guy your son would rather have play for his Bar Mitzvah.

D-MINOR: A rare army classification which states: in the event of war, all musicians are to only play klezmer (Yiddish music).

DOUBLE BASS: The instrument the folks footing the bill feel is unnecessary.

DOWNBEAT: The magazine that would have you believe that all jazz musicians are working.

ELECTRIC PIANO: The instrument that enables its player to pay for the hernia he sustained lifting it.

HOTEL PIANIST: A guy who looks good in a tux.

JAZZ: The only true American art form beloved by Europeans.

JAZZ FESTIVAL: An event attended by folks who think Coltrane is a car on the B&O railroad.

MELLOPHONE: An instrument best put to use when converted into a lamp.

METRONOME: The archenemy of chanteuses and cantors.

MOVIE COMPOSER: Someone who can write like anyone except himself.

NEW AGE: A musical substitute for Valium.

NEW YEAR'S EVE: The night of the year when contractors are forced to hire musicians they despise.

ORCHESTRATOR: The musician who enhances a composer's music, only to be chastised for it.

PERCUSSIONIST: A drummer who can't swing.

PERFECT PITCH: The ability to pinpoint any note and still play out of tune.

PIANIST: An archaic term for a keyboard player.

PRODIGY: A kid who has as much chance at a normal childhood as the Chicago Cubs winning the World Series.

RARE VIOLIN: A Stradivarius, not to be confused with a rare violinist, which is someone over four foot eleven.

SIDEMAN: The appellation that guarantees a musician will never be rich.

STAFF MUSICIAN: Harder to locate than a cavity in the Osmond family.

STEADY ENGAGEMENT: Look up in Webster's Dictionary under the word ''obsolete.''

UNION REP: A guy who thinks big bands are coming back.

VERSE: The part of a tune that's disposable, except to its composer.

VIOLA D' AMORE: A baroque string instrument and coincidentally the hooker Bach lost his virginity to.

WURLITZER: The Ford Pinto of pianos.

YANNI: A man blessed with great hair for music.

keybone · Post by **keybone** » Sat Jul 27, 2019 4:28 pm

A trombone player is driving down the road.
A worm is driving in the opposite direction towards the trombone player.
What is the significance?
The worm is on it’s way to a gig.

whitbey · Post by **whitbey** » Sat Jul 27, 2019 6:53 pm

My toys! My toys! I can't do this job without my toys!

cmcslide · Post by **cmcslide** » Tue Jul 30, 2019 7:15 pm

He is committed to his music. He loads his $5,000 instrument into his $500 car to go to play a $50 gig...

RoscoTrombone · Post by **RoscoTrombone** » Wed Jul 31, 2019 5:42 am

What's the difference between a bull and orchestra? On a bull the horns are at the front and the a**hole at the back.

What's the difference between a seamstress and a flautist? A seamstress tucks up frills....

afugate · Post by **afugate** » Wed Jul 31, 2019 6:32 am

RoscoTrombone wrote: ↑Wed Jul 31, 2019 5:42 am What's the difference between a bull and orchestra? On a bull the horns are at the front and the a**hole at the back.

My daughter quipped: "They don't allow orchestras in china shops..."

--Andy in OKC

whitbey · Post by **whitbey** » Sun Aug 04, 2019 3:53 pm

The last time I saw that Conductor he was walking down lover's lane holding his own hand.

SGlong · Post by **SGlong** » Mon Aug 19, 2019 6:53 pm

How do you know a drummer is at your door?

The knocking speeds up and slows down and they never know when to come in.

SGlong · Post by **SGlong** » Mon Aug 19, 2019 6:54 pm

Did you hear about the bassist that locked his keys in the car?

It took two hours to get the drummer out.

SGlong · Post by **SGlong** » Thu Aug 22, 2019 11:25 am

Why don't you tell a joke to the bassist and drummer during intermission?

Half way through the next set, they'll start laughing.

whitbey · Post by **whitbey** » Fri Aug 23, 2019 5:28 pm

No matter how much you push the envelope it is still stationary.

Post by **BGuttman** » Fri Aug 23, 2019 7:00 pm

Want to slow down a banjo player? Put a sheet of music in front of him.

Need to slow him more? Put notes on the sheet.

whitbey · Post by **whitbey** » Wed Sep 04, 2019 12:37 pm

She used to be a pilot in a broom factory.

Post by **BGuttman** » Wed Sep 04, 2019 1:37 pm

So moved.

Doubler · Post by **Doubler** » Wed Sep 04, 2019 4:23 pm

Do trombonists prefer sliders to regular hamburgers?

whitbey · Post by **whitbey** » Thu Sep 05, 2019 11:00 am

Thanks!

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

whitbey · Post by **whitbey** » Thu Sep 05, 2019 11:09 am

Money will not buy happiness, but it will let you be unhappy in nice places.

whitbey · Post by **whitbey** » Wed Sep 11, 2019 11:02 am

I'm addicted to cold turkey and I don't know the best way to quit.

whitbey · Post by **whitbey** » Wed Sep 18, 2019 3:51 pm

A drummer recently bought shoes from a drug dealer..
I don’t know what there laced them with, but he’s been tripping all day.

Doubler · Post by **Doubler** » Mon Sep 23, 2019 9:36 pm

https://www.themouthpiece.com/threads/d ... nts.55134/

whitbey · Post by **whitbey** » Thu Sep 26, 2019 2:50 pm

Everyone is entitled to be stupid, but some abuse the privilege.

whitbey · Post by **whitbey** » Fri Sep 27, 2019 11:41 am

He is an agent of Satan, his duties are largely ceremonial.

Mikebmiller · Post by **Mikebmiller** » Tue Oct 01, 2019 11:28 am

You have the right to be silent. Please use it!

whitbey · Post by **whitbey** » Sat Oct 05, 2019 8:30 am

In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?

whitbey · Post by **whitbey** » Sat Oct 05, 2019 10:16 am

The man smelled like a guy eating cheese while getting a permanent inside the septic tank of a slaughterhouse.

whitbey · Post by **whitbey** » Sat Oct 05, 2019 10:21 am

Many years ago when TV’s were made in the USA they included a brightness adjustment. This knob secretly sent a message to Hollywood that their shows had gone into a reverse evolution from the intellect of Larry, Curly, and Moe. Indignant and discussed the Hollywood Elite funded the Japanese electronics industry to take over the US market and replace all of the TV’s with ones that would be more accepting of dreadful programming.

Gary · Post by **Gary** » Sat Oct 05, 2019 11:38 am

"Take it up an octave and leave it out."

AndrewMeronek · Post by **AndrewMeronek** » Sat Oct 05, 2019 11:39 am

How about a spoonerism?

My hobbit friend Took tried to join a mute order of hobbit trombonist monks but was turned away because he was a cruning Took.

whitbey · Post by **whitbey** » Fri Oct 11, 2019 2:18 pm

Why did the chicken cross the road? To prove to the squirrel it could be done!

A duck was about to cross the road and chicken looked at him and said, “Don’t do it man, you will never hear the end of it.”

Kingfan · Post by **Kingfan** » Sat Oct 12, 2019 8:54 am

Why did the chicken cross the road to the construction site? She wanted to see them lay a sidewalk.

The conductor asked me why I cracked so many notes tonight. I said I was playing French horn cues.

What do you call a drummer without a girlfriend? Homeless.

Schlitz · Post by **Schlitz** » Sun Oct 13, 2019 5:16 am

Schlitz · Post by **Schlitz** » Sun Oct 13, 2019 5:17 am

Gary · Post by **Gary** » Sun Oct 13, 2019 9:29 am

Kingfan wrote: ↑Sat Oct 12, 2019 8:54 amThe conductor asked me why I cracked so many notes tonight. I said I was playing French horn cues.

That's like the old joke:
"How do you make a trombone sound like a French horn?"
"Stuff a roll of socks in the bell and miss a lot of notes."

whitbey · Post by **whitbey** » Mon Oct 21, 2019 5:41 am

He used statistics the way a drunkard uses lampposts: for support, not illumination.

Kingfan · Post by **Kingfan** » Mon Oct 21, 2019 1:59 pm

Dogs can't talk. If your dog says he can talk, he's lying.

Mikebmiller · Post by **Mikebmiller** » Mon Oct 21, 2019 2:43 pm

Nothing beats Rodney Dangerfield jokes. Too many to list here, but I saw one the other day -

I was in a bar and they asked me to leave. I asked why. He said they wanted to start Happy Hour.

My wife cut me down to twice a week. I was lucky - I know 3 guys she cut out entirely.

I saw him live once way back in '82. Laughed my butt off.

Doubler · Post by **Doubler** » Mon Oct 21, 2019 3:42 pm

Mikebmiller wrote: ↑Mon Oct 21, 2019 2:43 pm Nothing beats Rodney Dangerfield jokes. Too many to list here, but I saw one the other day -

I was in a bar and they asked me to leave. I asked why. He said they wanted to start Happy Hour.

My wife cut me down to twice a week. I was lucky - I know 3 guys she cut out entirely.

I saw him live once way back in '82. Laughed my butt off.

I saw him once in the '90's. I never laughed as much in my life! My cheeks and abs were sore after his performance.

SirJohn · Post by **SirJohn** » Thu Oct 24, 2019 9:30 am

What do you call a timpani that goes through a shredder?

Kettle chips.

SirJohn · Post by **SirJohn** » Thu Oct 24, 2019 9:31 am

What do you call a pair of bananas trying to play a tuba?

Tuba-nanas (two bananas)

Tetraphosphate · Post by **Tetraphosphate** » Thu Oct 31, 2019 2:25 am

whitbey · Post by **whitbey** » Thu Oct 31, 2019 11:55 am

As accurate as the University of Berkley skeet shooting club.

whitbey · Post by **whitbey** » Tue Nov 12, 2019 6:04 am

Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

I'm so happy I could just fart glitter!!!

whitbey · Post by **whitbey** » Fri Nov 29, 2019 9:50 am

Claustrophobic people are more productive thinking outside the box

Doubler · Post by **Doubler** » Sat Nov 30, 2019 8:15 pm

Here's a new slide technique:

whitbey · Post by **whitbey** » Sun Dec 08, 2019 11:43 am

The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.